The Very Beginning

I had just turned 16 when I met this guy. He wasn't all that great. Nothing special, but he was interested in me. At 16, I was awkward, had braces, acne, and I was a straight-up nerd. The only thing I locked onto was the fact that he was interested in me. Being that I had never had a real boyfriend before him, I didn't know the signs that tell you if a guy just wants in your pants.

He brought it up, I said no, he persisted for months. I finally gave in... I didn't want to lose someone who said he loved me. This went on for a year and a half. We finally broke it off at the end of July in 2011.

Once you start having sex, it's really hard to stop. And I mean REALLY hard. I couldn't do it. I moved to a new school and I found a guy who was sweet and caring and we ended up dating. He was more of a rebound to me than a boyfriend. I was on the Nuvaring birth control, but I hated it. I got several yeast infections out of it and It was one of the most annoying forms of birth control ever. We were also using condoms, but he got this brand called Fire & Ice. It hurt like crazy, so he took it off. I forgot that I had taken my birth control out a day or two before hand. Sooooooooooo I got pregnant. It was really stupid, I can't believe it was so easy.

I got pregnant mid-October of 2010. Allie's father, or as my sister and I call him, the "Donor", got extremely verbally and emotionally abusive. I'm sure there are much worse guys out there than him, but I got sick of it and I left him. Immediately, he denied being the father. So he basically accused me of cheating on him without actually saying it. Having been cheated on myself, I would never do that to anyone. But he wouldn't listen to anything I had to say. He couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that I might be leaving him because of how he treated me, and how stressed out he made me. Stress is not good for babies, and I wasn't about to put my unborn child through that. Little did I know that that wasn't going to solve any problems...

I cried at least once a week, usually twice or more. Not because of him, but because of what I was going through. I had trouble coming to terms with the fact that I wouldn't be able to go to a 4-year University and be a teenager and just have fun. I still have trouble doing that sometimes. I've had depression/anxiety since I was in middle school. It might even date back to Elementary School. Who knows. But it sucks. And the hormonal imbalance of pregnancy doesn't make it any easier.

For the remainder of my pregnancy, we would go back and forth over adoption and keeping the baby and everything inbetween. His father left him when he was 3 or 4, along with his two siblings and his mom. He swore he would never do that to her, but at the same time he didn't want to believe that he was the father. Or take responsibility. I don't know what his problem is, but he convinced me of one thing: Women mature MUCH faster than men. 

Breaking up didn't lower my stress level one bit. It made me realize that I wasn't going to get any help from him and that if I wanted anything from him, I would have to fight for it. I didn't want anything from him other for him to be a father to his daughter. I could care less if he had anything to do with me. I just wanted Allie to have a father. But I soon came to the realization that I can't force someone to be a father. If Allie had a father in her life that really could care less about her, it would hurt her more than not having him in her life at all. So I'm not going to force him to do anything for me or her. I've shut him out and I'm not letting him in her life. Some of you may think that that's not fair to her, but I feel like that's the best thing I could ever do for my daughter.

He didn't sign the birth certificate, and I haven't seen or talked to him since she was 1 day old. And I couldn't care less. Sure, the couple hundred bucks a month I would get from child support would be fantastic! But it's not worth hundreds of dollars in court costs, legal fees, and a paternity test.

Luckily for me, I met this amazing guy 3 weeks before Allie was born. Jordan. He didn't care that I had a beach ball as a belly. He didn't care that I was having a baby. He didn't care that I wasn't going to have sex with him. He didn't care. He just saw me for me. We hung out together the next day, on his 21st birthday, and he was sober. He told me that he didn't need to drink. He was talking to me. My heart melted. I fell in love in a matter of a couple weeks. I know, that sounds absolutely crazy. But it's true. He is Allie's father now. I love him to death, and he thinks of Allie as his own. If it were just Jordan and Allie and I in the world, I would be the happiest girl in the world.

But it's not, and I'm not, and that's for another day.