The Donor

It's been almost 6 months since I've talked to him. Sometimes I want to go to court just to drive him crazy. To be able to throw the DNA test and his face and just scream at him. How the heck do you do this to your child? It's not fair to her.

But I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to give him the time of day. I'm not going to go make him take responsibility and sign the Birth Certificate, only to have to go and ask his permission if Jordan ever wants to adopt her. And knowing him, he'd say "no", because he's a difficult jerk.

On certain days, I envy him. Like when she had colic for the first 3 months. And even now when she's 5 months old, he doesn't have to get up 2 or 3 times a night to feed her. He doesn't have to stick the bottom half of her body under the bathtub faucet because she poops out of her diaper just about every other day. He doesn't have to change his clothes at least once a day when she spits up on him because she has Acid Reflux (it's kind of like heartburn in babies). He doesn't have to take her to PT every other week because she has Torticollis (a stiff neck). He doesn't have to watch her face scrunch up and turn purple when she gets her shots. He doesn't have to stay up with her at night when she's sick, or bounce her to sleep. Or buy her things.

But on other days, I just laugh at him. He doesn't get to see her eyes light up when he walks into the room. He doesn't get to tickle her or laugh with her or play games with her. He doesn't get to cuddle with her when she's sick or sleeping. He doesn't get to buy her presents and watch her face light up as she tears of chunks of wrapping paper. He doesn't get to take pictures and watch her grow. He's missin out.

My lawyer said that if he takes more than a year to come to his senses and try to be in her life, it's going to be much harder for him to have rights to see her. Most of me is extremely happy about that. But a small part of me feels bad for Allie. I'll have to explain that he didn't want anything to do with her. And I'll have to explain that Jordan isn't her biological father, but he's her dad. It's going to be hard for me to tell her that, and it's probably going to be harder for her to hear and understand. But as a mother, you have the pleasure of making such hard decisions. The decision whether to try to make a person part of her life even when they don't want to be is one of the hardest decisions a mother may have to make. I pray that you won't, but some of you also may.

You may think that your boyfriend would be there for you if you ever found yourselves in a similar situation. The Donor told me the same thing. The truth is, you never know what people will do until they do it. A promise has 2 different definitions, depending on who makes it. On one hand, it could be what a promise really is: something that sets an expectation of something that will or will not be done. On the other, it could just be words that are said, words that mean nothing when they're supposed to.

The only thing that matters in life are actions. Words are words, but actions show the true color of a person, no matter what.